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Sh*tfit of the Day: Foot Files

how to use a ped egg

Sh*tfit of the day is a bit like the commonly seen “Outfit of the Day”, except that it’s not about outfits and there’s much more sh*tfitting. Disclaimer: this is not intended to be a relaxing read.

Does anybody have any luck with foot files? What is the point of foot files? Unless you have a whole day to spare, they never make the slightest bit of difference. Perhaps I have particularly horny feet – and by that, I obviously mean that they are ‘thickskinned’ rather than sexually charged. The thing is, though, I know that I don’t have thickskinned feet, I just have a couple of stubborn patches that never get any softer! So if my feet, which are in reasonably good nick, don’t respond to a filing, then what about people with feet like hooves? And there are plenty of them, you see them on the tube in the summer, shamelessly flip-flopped.

My Mum has the most success with foot files out of anybody I know. She once rang me to say that she had foot-filed so much that smoke had started to appear around her heels – she must have been sawing back and forth like an absolute maniac! Perhaps I don’t have the patience for it, or perhaps – perhaps – somebody needs to invent a footfile that actually works. That doesn’t require 85,000kCal of energy just for the left foot. That spits foot-dust into the air so fast you’ll need to use breathing apparatus when you use it. I have an idea.

 Behold the Performance Power Detail Sander PDS260. If this can strip a door down in ten minutes, just think what it could do for your feet! Five seconds with this baby on full power and you’d probably lose a shoe size! And possibly maim yourself for life, but that’s obviously by-the-by.

I jest, of course – please don’t go and file your feet with the sander in the garage – but part of me is thinking; there must be a beauty equivalent of this. And don’t say “ped egg”, please. Satan’s parmesan grater. It’s awful.

A top podiatrist once told me that the only way to file feet properly is little and often and never with a metal file. The  ‘cheese-grater’ files don’t take off skin smoothly and you’re left with raggedy, uneven surfaces that are actually worse for your feet than just leaving the hard skin. The podiatrist said that once a day with a sandpapery footfile was the way forward.

BUT I WANT TO FILE IT ALL OFF AT ONCE! I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO SIT THERE SKIMMING OFF INCONSEQUENTIAL LAYERS!

So please can somebody invent a foot-sander? Perhaps it could come as an attachment for the Clarisonic? I’m accepting prototypes as of today, I’ll test them on Mr AMR.

PS: if you want to know which file the podiatrist recommended, it’s here: http://tidd.ly/b8bd1f9a

94 comments

  1. I have a PedEgg and it does an okay job but I’ve also heard that they’re bad in the long run!

    My mum got an electric one (I think it’s yet another JML thing) and managed to draw blood…

    • UGH! No doubt that is what will happen to me! x

      • For some strange reason I can’t comment on the post as such, only respond. So here it goes: I totally feel you there, even though my feet are not terribly, terribly bad, they are not a baby’s rear end, either. And my Mum literally did cut herself with one of these graters before!
        Personally I feel body lotion with AHA’s help the best. Just as mechanical exfoliation doesn’t quite cut it for me face-wise, feet files don’t either… Or they do and leave a lot of blood. No, thank you. I’ll use chemical exfoliation over that any day! The only problem: You have to be devoted and do it every other night or so. Uh – no pain no gain, I guess…

  2. There is an answer to your wishes….recently I discovered Emjoi Micro-Pedi, battery operated, cca 35£ at Boots or Amazon….luv it!!!

    • Looking it up now! x

      • It has fab reviews, that is why I ordered it…and it works really well…two different cartridges- coarse and less coarse (almost polishing one). Just have vacuum cleaner handy – produces LOADS of white dust….

        • I can’t wait! x

          • AGREED! It’s used widely in the industries I work across – I found it through one of my professional journals! http://www.micropediprofessional.com/
            Would love to hear how long people are getting results for after one single use; I’ve been hearing too much of “addiction” in regards to the micro pedis’ use.. people really can get addicted to anything though! Exfoliation obsessions aside (;
            I’ve always filed with sandpaper type board files on a semi-regular basis – but this is FAR more satisfying (+ effective)and for me once every few months has worked well.

  3. This has got to be your funniest post ever. Excuse me as I get myself up off the floor.

    It is so true. Just last month I asked/begged my GP for a recommendation of a good podiatrist but he didn’t even have the name of anyone decent. Very frustrating but great to know that even an expert like you (honest, not kissing up) is having trouble.

  4. Worth a go? Might take a couple of weeks to work but no breathing apparatus required! http://www.boots.com/en/Footner-Exfoliating-Sock_1275069/

    Or there does appear to be a rotary sander for feet!
    http://www.boots.com/en/Emjoi-Micro-Pedi-rapid-hard-skin-remover_1245237/

    Yes, I went to Boots today… Can you tell?!

  5. Hey, have you tried the micro pedi? It it the only thing that makes much difference to my feet. It uses batteries but I have never been able to do any damage to my feet. A miracle! Pip xxx

  6. I think this is what you’re looking for!: Emjoi Micro-Pedi rapid hard skin remover. It should be available in Boots.

  7. Dearest Ruth
    I used to use a pumice stone, since I was a teenager! Then I bought some scholl heel softener which you leave on for a while and then rub off with a towel HOWEVER best ever is the black mitt from the Dolphin Spa I LOVE IT NO PAIN Thankyou Dolphin Spa for allowing us to take our MITTS home Don’t use them on your legs because I did so much damage trying to smooth out lower legs ended up with raw skin!

  8. This is so funny! You always manage to make me laugh :) I hate using foot files that makes dust fly everywhere over the floor! x

  9. My god!!! You must be funiest model out there (and the most gorgeous, obviously ;-))

  10. This literally bought tears to my eyes, I would totally reccommend the sander, not only did it get rid of my rough skin, but also 2 of my fingers! ;)

    I jest, I find soaking in the bath then pumicing the hell out of mine (and I’m a mountain walker) pretty much does the trick :)

    Sara x

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