Home » Rant of the Day » Sh*tfit of the Day: Popcorn

Sh*tfit of the Day: Popcorn

OK, I know this is going to divide people, opinion-wise, but why in God’s name would cinemas choose POPCORN as the snack to sell to people when they are watching a movie? It makes absolutely no sense at all! The only noise you’re supposed to hear in a cinema is the one coming out of the speakers – I don’t want to sit there listening to what sounds like five-thousand cows chewing grass! Popcorn – and the eating of – is my number one cause of Cinema Stress. Never mind “turn off your phones” – what about the seven tonnes of pointless, tasteless noise-making crap that you’ve just served to the audience? You may as well have handed out tambourines and maracas as we came through the door!

Imagine if I built a library. Yes, a library. It would be a place of peace and quiet – I’d have big, comfy seats and beanbags and you’d be allowed to sit there all day, if you liked, borrowing magazines and books. I’d have free WiFi, too, so that you could catch up on your emails and, if you were sneaky about it, have a little nap! Oh my God, you’re thinking, that would be amazing. That would be on a par with going to an IMAX cinema to see the new James Bond movie, except that it wouldn’t cost me five thousand pounds. Now, come on – step into my library, that’s right, come this way. Are you through the door? Good. Now just lift your feet up whilst I STRAP SOME AIR HORNS TO THE SOLES OF YOUR FEET!

What? You want it to be quiet in the library? Oh dear. No can do, unfortunately. I’ll be honest – at least the sound of the bicycle horns will drown out the chomping. We’re selling Prawn Cocktail crisps today – got to make some kind of profit in the current financial climate! Anyway, the air horn bits will cushion your feet from the lorryload of crunchy gravel that we’ve decided to cover the floor with.

My Mum’s local cinema will NOT serve popcorn – and they do wine. Wine is silent. Water is silent. Popcorn isn’t, and neither are nachos which have the added disgusting disadvantage of being so pungent that you can smell them from across the cinema. Sweets are quite silent, but NOT WHEN YOU PUT THEM INTO A STIFF PAPER BAG. Take one person rummaging for the fizzy cola bottle amongst the Maltesers and times that person by twelve: suddenly you have half of a percussion orchestra enthusiastically getting it on when you’re trying to fantasise about listen to Daniel Craig.

So, in short, Dear Odeon Cinemas: you’re not fanatical about film, you’re fanatical about making money. What do you make on one portion of popcorn? A lot, I expect! You may blame demand, but sometimes you just have to be the bigger man. Serve something quieter instead, before you give me some kind of stress-related heart problem. And I know that some of you readers will be muttering under your breath, go to another cinema then!, but I like the Odeon, apart from the munchers. I like the massive screens, I like that I can park easily, I like that I can pre-book and earn my little points on my loyalty card, I just don’t like the Food Orchestra. And don’t even get me started on people who prop their feet up on the seat in front…

Image courtesy of  FreeDigitalPhotos.net

53 comments

  1. Blood pressure Ruth, blood pressure. LOL
    Very funny article. How was the film? I heard very mixed reviews from friends.

  2. Absolutely right! It drives me crazy!!!

  3. Popcorn is even annoying if you’re the one eating it – it gets stuck in your teeth, you can’t hear anything aside from your own chewing and you feel self-conscious that you’re disturbing others. I generally tend to stick to sushi as my cinema snack.

  4. Emma Computergirl

    Lol! Popcorn is a love hate for me- hate the price, hate the noise- and some idiot ALWAYS spills it on the floor or kicks it over… so you end up walking into a dark cinema and getting it all over your shoes. However it is a nice treat to have and fairly healthy (minus toffee sauce etc). I like the idea of wine in the cinema. Pus I like the small independent cinemas more these days- the bigger ones seem loud and soooo cold. Air con all the time. Brrrr. You sit still for 2-3 hours in the cold. They should give you duvets.

  5. I’m in the same position! I love the Odeon for the above reasons but their choice of refreshments just annoy me. I’d love it if they did wine – some chilled Pinot Grigio to compliment my Tangfastics!

  6. Totally agree Ruth – I despair when I actually bother going to the cinema. I don’t want to hear people eating/slurping their drinks, or chatting, or see them checking their phones, or see teenage girls getting up and go out every 15 mins so that the boys in the group they’re with will look at them (any attention is good attention it seems…). And parents, I don’t want to have a heart attack every time your small child wanders around in the dark near a set of steep stairs just because you’re not paying attention to them because it’s your “night out”. Oh and don’t take your shoes off and rest them on the back of the seats in front – YOU’RE NOT AT HOME! *deep breaths* For the amount I have to pay to see a film I want my own soundproofed cubicle. I’d actually pay extra for that blissful experience. Or lets just cut out the cinemas and be allowed to buy films direct straight away.

  7. Sorry lovelies, but I can’t see a movie without popcorn! It’s just part of the experience for me. People talking through previews and texting or checking their messages mid-film drive me mad.

  8. Not even to mention all the other snacks that come in this noisy plastic packaging, geeesuz!!! Good rant!

  9. Lol!! I love popcorn and malteasers mixed together!! I must be going deaf as it doesn’t bother me. I do hate the smell of nachos tho ;-)

  10. Went to see Bond the other night and iMax are surprisingly strict about use of phones, you wonder why they allow all the popcorn noise! Its funny you mention because I had a guy opposite who was rummaging through the bag the whole movie like there was a million pound note to be found – Drives you mad! P.s. You should create a dedicated ‘rant’ section, agree with all your rants so far + its nice to actually hear someone else ‘rant’ about something !

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