Sunday Tittle Tattle: Flashlight!

iphone flashlight troubleshooting

Dear Apple, I have updated my iPhone and my flashlight, the tool that has seen me through many a complicated Nocturnal iManoeuvre, has disappeared. No longer can I – with one hand and the flick of a finger – do important things such as finding my glass of water without knocking everything off the bedside table, or shining the torch in my husband’s face, FBI-style, to interrupt his snoring. Not without great effort and potential danger can I navigate my way to the en suite to have a wee, and it’s impossible to see, at an instantly illuminated glance, what the dog is chewing behind the curtains.

Other things I can’t do without my flashlight:

apple tv remote

Search for the Apple TV remote, the only remote control in the world that has been specifically designed to be nigh on impossible to locate without the aid of a metal detector and/or an experienced investigator from Scotland Yard. It weighs around a hundredth of a milligram, is what can only be described  as wafer thin, and has the same dimensions as a gnat’s surfboard. If you own an Apple TV (little media box that connects you to iTunes and so on) then you will know that to own an Apple TV is to spend your life hunting for the stupid slither of a remote control. Don’t, whatever you do, ever put it down on the sofa – it can slip into the smallest leathery crease and will only be found once you have dismantled every single element of the upholstery. “Oh there it is darling, hiding behind that old two pence piece.” Anyway, I digress: the iFlashlight is an essential when hunting for the iRemote – checking in the darkness beneath the sofa, investigating the inner depths of the radiator, making sure it hasn’t slipped through some sort of microscopic hole into another dimension… Stupid remote. The other thing I struggle to do without my iTorch?

Read menus. Why is it now a “thing” for trendy restaurants to pair illegible menus with a complete lack of any interior lighting? Why do they now have the lighting so low that you risk serious injury if you wish to use a steak knife? Why do they all print their menus onto grey card using pale grey ink in a feathery, lightweight font? It’s like trying to decode second world war secrets that have been written on parchment using weak tea. Thank goodness for the flashlight – if I didn’t have my makeshift torch permanently on my person then I’d have to resort to eating exclusively in brightly lit spaces, such as Nandos and Giraffe.

iphone flashlight

Update: the flashlight hasn’t disappeared, after all that. It just doesn’t come up on the little screen when I flick upwards, it’s on the next screen over. Still one swipey action too many for my liking, but at least it’s still there. That sort of ruins my entire post, really, doesn’t it? I’ll have to find something else to moan about. Oh, I know…

john lewis kix

…my baby was sick in the night last week and so, being the paranoiac pregnant woman that I am, I decided to bunk down in her bedroom so that I could sleep with my head next to her cot and obsessively monitor her breathing. I “slept” on the John Lewis Florence cuboid fold-out bed I bought last year. If you’re wondering about the comfort level then you can easily recreate my experience: go out onto your patio, roll the barbeque out of the way so that you have a space approximately 6ft by 4ft and lie down in a sleeping bag. That, my friends, is about the comfort equivalent of the JL bed. It’s like sleeping on a pallet of bricks, albeit a palette of bricks that has been allowed to grow a thick-ish layer of spongey moss. If you want feel the physical aftermath of this sleeping experience but don’t wish to spend a night on the patio then just get a friend (or foe) to break a few of your ribs with a baseball bat and pull your neck as though he/she is killing a chicken. That’ll give you quite a genuine result. All joking aside, this “bed” could be vastly improved with a layer of memory foam or something thrown on the top – it’s not totally a lost cause. And I do like that I can flip it out at a moment’s notice and that it folds back up into a cool and unobtrusive seat. But I shan’t be hurrying back for a quick catnap, not unless someone’s already hogging the patio…

Read Don’t Mess With My Shower

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18 Comments

  1. Laura Wright
    October 9, 2016 / 8:15 am

    Yes!!!! I feel the same about the stupid Apple TV remote control – I find myself constantly having the same conundrum! Thanks for the tittle tattle today – it made me chuckle. Hope Angelica is ok xx

  2. Maireaddy
    October 9, 2016 / 8:51 am

    I laughed aloud – brilliant column Ruth. (Noisy restaurants too are another bane). Hope Angelica and your back both feel better xx

  3. Elizabeth
    October 9, 2016 / 9:05 am

    I actually got a Kix on your recommendation and love it. We use it with a squishy mattress pad on top. Vastly better than an air mattress for guests. X

  4. Rosie Ponting
    October 9, 2016 / 9:12 am

    Ruth, you don’t ever need to search for the Apple TV remote again! YOU CAN DOWNLOAD IT AS AN APP ON YOUR IPHONE! It has all the functions, except volume. Just search Apple TV Remote on the App Store. It’s got negative reviews but I don’t have any of those issues; it revolutionised my life, I tell you. I now have approximately 27 extra minutes each evening to watch high quality, intellectually stimulating programming on BBC4 (ahem). Side note: I have the same JL bed but I think I must have bought a revamped model – actually pretty comfy! R x

  5. Bonbonna
    October 9, 2016 / 9:13 am

    Hi Ruth, i hope Anjelica is ok and her sickness last night was a one off. My 9 month old son is just getting over a bad cold where symptoms including vomiting up everything that went into his little tummy. Very worrying and messy but he’s on the mend now.

    With regards to fold up mattresses, we have the Muji fold away mattress and find it invaluable really. It’s £85 and comes in natural or black and we keep it on top of the wardrobe when not in use. Its quite comfortable really and we’ve had no qualms about friends using it when they stay over and space is at a premium. It is quite comfortable. I find it to be extremely good value given the use we get out of it and we’ve had it for about 5 years now!

  6. Cassandra
    October 9, 2016 / 11:29 am

    Oh boy Ruth, you are the best! Completely get this post. Thanks for the Sunday night (aus time) giggle and hope Angelica is well. I remember a few times sleeping on the floor next to my daughter – a mother’s lot.

  7. October 9, 2016 / 12:39 pm

    I HATE THAT STUPID REMOTE! Why is it so small?! I lost mine for 2 weeks and I finally found it leaning against the front of my gray sofa. I mean come on! It’s liable to be sucked up by the vacuum!

    Oh my goodness using the flashlight in the restaurant! Always! I’m convinced these places don’t want us to see our food…which makes me uncomfortable! I always feel like an old lady using my flashlight in restaurants ha! Hope you have a wonderful Sunday Ruth!

  8. Gaya
    October 9, 2016 / 12:42 pm

    Thank you Ruth for this bit of sunday hilarity! I loved it. I hope baby Angelica is feeling better and you too. Have a nice day! XX

  9. Caitlin
    October 9, 2016 / 2:25 pm

    I laughed so so much reading this! Another great post.

  10. Stephanie-M-M
    October 9, 2016 / 2:37 pm

    This picture (the first one) scares the hell out of me!

  11. Gina
    October 10, 2016 / 5:08 am

    Download the Apple Remote app! So simple and so much easier to locate.

    • October 11, 2016 / 9:17 am

      Good idea! I’m sure Mr AMR does have that actually! x

  12. sevda
    October 10, 2016 / 6:25 pm

    I lost my remote about 2 years ago (maybe more). At this stage I assume if went into the bed by accident, so I get off the chair and ‘turn over’ like I did when I was small.

    I keep meaning to buy a new fancy TV as the one I have has a opening for a video but I just haven’t got round it!!

    Feel like I’m from fraggle rock or something.

    Funny article Ruth.

  13. October 10, 2016 / 9:25 pm

    That Apple remote! Not only does it hide everywhere, it also slides under your buttocks when you are watching a movie just to stop or scroll the movie at the most inconvenient times!

  14. October 11, 2016 / 9:34 pm

    Oh yes I grumble about restaurant menus and the low lighting all the time too! Your post made me laugh, almost woke up my snoring husband. Haha

    Mimi | According to Mimi

  15. October 13, 2016 / 5:01 pm

    I’m sure you don’t mind that I’m reading this on a Thursday!

    Another pet hate of mine is magazines going for the light on dark,” feathery” font typesetting (‘Country Living’ editors, take note).

    Wishing all well in the AMR household. xxx

  16. Mishido13
    October 14, 2016 / 6:35 pm

    Oh, this made me laugh out loud. Not in the ‘ive just read something hilarious, so shall throw my head back attractively’ kind of way, but in the unattractive ‘snot comes out my nose’ way.
    Which would have been fine, if I wasn’t on the Waterloo train….

    I hope both you and Angelica are feeling better xx

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