List: Things That Only Tom Hardy Can Make Sexy

tom hardy taboo

Have you been watching Taboo on BBC1? Oh my lord. It’s very good – very good. It’s sort of a cross between an incredibly dark and violent Dickens story and something bleak and hopeless and beautiful, like, I don’t know, The Piano. The art direction is amazing, the plot is weird-but-interesting, the costumes and the sets completely capture everything that London in the year 1814 would have been. Stinking, dangerous, dimly-lit…

And then there’s Tom Hardy. Now look. I do happen to think – and I say this without any hint of irony – that Hardy is one of the best, most immensely talented actors of our time. I’d like to point that out first, because the following list reduces him to something of a nightshirt-wearing tattooed Sex God. All tongue-in-cheek, of course, but I’d hate for anyone to think that I’d ignored his actual skills…

tom hardy taboo

In Taboo, Hardy plays the disturbed James Delaney who returns from a long spell in Africa to inherit his father’s shipping empire. Now this man, Delaney, is everything unsexy that you could possibly think of. He’s always covered in horse poo or blood or weird magical powders – he looks dirty, I mean really dirty, and he has previously had many sessions of sexytime with his own sister. So, y’know, by all rights this is not a character we should be even remotely attracted to. But then it’s Tom Hardy, and Tom Hardy was even sexy as Bane, the psychopathic masked baddie in Batman, so why is it even a surprise that he can make ingrained dirt and nineteenth-century sewer smells into a bonus attribute?

Here’s my list of things that only Tom Hardy can make sexy – I’m limiting this to things in Taboo, otherwise we’d be here all bloody year…

Mumbling: I swear I can only hear three out of every ten words that James Delaney says, but who the hell cares? Hardy could read out the Argos catalogue and it’d still be hot.

Killing: shouldn’t be sexy, especially when it involves hacking through a ribcage to retrieve a heart, and especially when it takes place at the “outdoor lavatories” (imagine the smell!), but he has such a fabulous look on his face when he’s concentrating. And I reckon, in a parallel universe, he’d be great at preparing sushi – his knife skills are quite exemplary.

Smelling: I mean. The man is either covered in horse manure, stinking mud or other people’s blood, and he wades into rivers fully-clothed. Then dries himself in those same clothes. (Why would you not just take them off? She says. Salivating.) He must absolutely reek, but still: sexy. When his housekeeper pulls off his boots, you can almost see the steam rising out of them – who cares? HE’S TWO ITEMS CLOSER TO NAKED.

tom hardy taboo

Nightshirts: no man can look good in a nightshirt. Hardy looks excellent – and I mean excellent – in a nightshirt. (Sorry, couldn’t find a picture of him in a nightshirt so I put the above naked one up instead.) His nightshirt in Taboo is cut to just the right height – whoever decided on the length of that nightshirt (what a job to have!) deserves a medal.

Hard Boiled Eggs: the only human in the history of all mankind to have ever looked sexy eating a whole hard boiled egg. He just pops the whole thing in and chews. (Episode 2, was it?)

Stupid Hats: only Hardy could pull off wearing a hat that looks as though it should belong to a Satanic Lion Tamer. And he actually looks cool – the big coat, collar up, the big hat, everything in black – expect something Taboo-inspired when fashion week next comes around…

Ghosts: James Delaney’s dead mother looks like the girl from that horrendous film, The Ring, but thirty years on. That’s what decades of being stuck down a well would do to you. Despite this horrible apparition popping up every time Delaney tries to have sex/a bath, he remains unflappably hunky. I’m notoriously scaredy-cat when it comes to ghosts and ghouls and so on, but in Taboo I’ve barely flinched – too busy looking at good old Tom and his distracting tattoos.

Tattoos: oh yes, the distracting tattoos. Big black bands that look as though they’ve been drawn on with a giant marker pen, they would look laughable on anyone else, but Hardy (are you beginning to realise the depths of my appreciation for TH?) wears them with aplomb. Here he is naked – just so you can see the tattoos. Educational.

tom hardy taboo

Digging a grave: why would anyone look hot digging a grave? I don’t know, but Mr Tom manages it. Perhaps it’s because it’s the grave for his sister’s husband, and we know that it’s only a matter of time before we see some sex action now that the husband’s out of the picture. (I realise that it’s wrong on every single level to want to see a man have sex with his sister, but seriously – watch the series and you’ll understand.)

My final “thing that only Tom Hardy can make sexy” was going to be something along that incestuous sort of theme, but I wasn’t quite sure how it would come across. “Tom Hardy, making incest sexy.” It’s just…wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you’d like to dip your toe into the stinking, egg-eating, sister-shagging world of Taboo then the final episode airs tonight at 9.15pm – you can catch up on the whole series on iPlayer here. Do add your own things to the list in the comments below – equally, if you can’t stand Tom Hardy or have your own alternative, please feel free to share!

*This post replaces the Sunday Tittle Tattle, mainly because I’ve spent so long thinking of the ways in which Tom Hardy is sexy that I’ve run out of time to write it. I’d like to add, also, as a disclaimer, that Mr AMR is miles sexier than Tom Hardy and looks amazing in a nightshirt. (He made me put that.) (He didn’t, but just in case he’s reading.) (Also, he doesn’t smell, kill people or wear stupid hats so I feel I’m onto a winner.)

© 2017 A Model Recommends®: all opinions are my own and any sponsored or paid posts will always be clearly marked as an AD in the title. I accept press samples and receive product and services to review as part of my job. Outward links to retailers are affiliate links. Please see here for full "about" section and disclaimer. A Model Recommends and Ruth Crilly are registered trademarks.

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78 Comments

    • February 25, 2017 / 11:04 pm

      And then when he bends over and you have to hold your breath because you’re not sure quite how far the nightshirt will ride up!

      • Ruthann Swan
        February 26, 2017 / 8:17 pm

        haha I saw one episode, definitely going to see the rest now.

      • Jennifer finlayson
        March 21, 2017 / 10:03 pm

        You need to look into the series black sails. It’s awesome. It’s about what happened before treasure island. Lots of hunky pirates…

    • Laurie
      March 16, 2017 / 11:31 pm

      I’m with you, Becky. MMMMMHHHHmmmmmmm!!!

  1. SueM
    February 25, 2017 / 9:04 pm

    Have loved him to distraction (and I mean that literally) forever. He’s so talented and Ruth we’re right to mention that first because after that, everything else I think to say is blithering, besotted meandering. There is nothing he wears or gets into that doesn’t make me shiver…in a good way. When I found out he and my grandmother grew up in the same neighbourhood I was ridiculously thrilled even though it was almost 100 years apart. What can I say, he makes me silly. ❤

    • February 25, 2017 / 11:04 pm

      Any link to him, however tenuous, is worth hanging onto. : )

  2. Rachel
    February 25, 2017 / 9:09 pm

    You have pretty much everything covered but I would add the weird accent….a touch of cockney a bit of Welsh, god knows what else but I don’t know or care. ‘Take of your dress’

    • February 25, 2017 / 11:03 pm

      And now, “I have use for you.” Mmm.

      • Sarah
        February 26, 2017 / 11:35 am

        That may be the sexiest/most erotic thing he says (out of context of the situation of course). I DREAM of Tom Hardy saying that to me… in bed! Oh man, my pregnancy hormones are in overdrive!

      • Jennifer finlayson
        February 27, 2017 / 8:35 pm

        Hahaha! Yes!!!! I have a use for you too!!!!! Mmmm

      • Laurie
        March 16, 2017 / 11:33 pm

        That’s the new saying around our house. “Mmmmmmmmm. I have use for you.” With sort of a lilt at the end.

    • Laurie
      March 16, 2017 / 11:32 pm

      “Take off the fucking dress!” OK!!! If you say so, you sexy damn thing!

  3. Lisa
    February 25, 2017 / 9:18 pm

    Fantastic…and I agree wholeheartedly…Tom Hardy is most definitely a sex god. Love it Ruth xx

  4. Sarah
    February 25, 2017 / 9:20 pm

    Reading the CBeebies bedtimes story !!!! I didn’t even hear the words I just sat staring.

  5. Sarah
    February 25, 2017 / 9:22 pm

    Oh and as Heathcliffe in Wurthering Heights …..swooooon

  6. Susana Leite
    February 25, 2017 / 10:27 pm

    A needed a good laugh and that ending did it for me. So good! Taboo is in my to watch list, but other things keep getting in the way and time always slipping through my fingers. Thank you for sharing what we all knew, but didn’t write about that Tom Hardy is SEXY!

  7. Shelly
    February 25, 2017 / 10:28 pm

    Well done! I would add: horrible haircut and scarred scalp. We have to wait until Tuesday for the finale in the states. I’ve read it’s been given the go-ahead for season 2. Thank you, Jesus.

  8. Gemma
    February 25, 2017 / 10:29 pm

    Best post ever.

    • Elisa
      February 26, 2017 / 1:28 pm

      Agree! Really well-written! Love your posts.

    • March 1, 2017 / 8:20 pm

      Agree! Great posts all the time! :) This one rates 11 out of 10!

  9. February 25, 2017 / 11:03 pm

    Haven’t watched Taboo yet, but I know what it’s about and I’ve been seeing your enthusiasm on Twitter. Had a right laugh reading this! x

  10. Jo Sharp
    February 25, 2017 / 11:03 pm

    Oh Ruth! I thought you had been quiet because , well you have a new baby. ! But no! You, like every other women with any taste, has been wallowing in the
    World of Taboo and the delicious Mr. Hardy. Good enough distraction while breastfeeding in bed!
    Brilliant article, the show is so dark and dismal and
    I can smell the rot… but it’s Tom!!!
    Thank you darling such an enjoyable read.

    • February 25, 2017 / 11:11 pm

      Haha!! Yeah, I’ve just been here concocting ridiculous blog posts. Must get back to some proper work at some point! : )
      xx

  11. February 26, 2017 / 12:09 am

    Ruth this post had me actually laughing out loud! So much so that Mr Cooksalot asked me what I was laughing at and I had to read it out to him! We are not caught up on the last episode yet, but I wholeheartedly agree with your list! Except I seem to recall that Paul Newman eats a hard boiled egg in a film – not sure if it’s sexy though, can’t remember… I’ve been saying I must get Mr Cooksalot one of those night shirts, although a clean one! He’d look great in one…. Ps there’s a video on Facebook of muscly men doing in yoga in kilts! I feel you would appreciate it…

  12. USA reader
    February 26, 2017 / 1:14 am

    Now I know what I’m watching tonight! Yay Amazon Instant Video streaming!!!

  13. Linda
    February 26, 2017 / 4:26 am

    Hahahah! Ruth, love all your posts, but this one made me laugh out loud. Will go search for Taboo now, thank you very much!

  14. February 26, 2017 / 7:12 am

    Have been loving Taboo, though I thought the last episode was a bit of a let down last night – wanted more action, sorry!!! TH is brilliant in it though: “I see dead people …” Bliss!

    Now weirdly traumatised about the sister!!!

    Anne xxx

  15. Venecia
    February 26, 2017 / 7:50 am

    I think this might be my favorite post of yours ever. The visuals were much appreciated. I don’t think this show is airing in the U.S. yet, but will keep an eye out for it! Thanks for the heads up!

  16. Nina
    February 26, 2017 / 8:24 am

    Aside all of the very salient and valid points listed, the thing that is really sexy is that he wrote this. We all know creativity and inmagination In the bedroom arena makes things hotter….can you just imagine that along with everything else?!?!
    Oh, and is it just me or does there mere thought of him bring a very wide smile to your face? That you can’t stop…….

  17. Nicola Wright
    February 26, 2017 / 8:27 am

    Haha, absolutely spot on! Please God, don’t let Zilpha be dead! He would “know” wouldn’t he? Or did I miss something? Weird weird weird, but I loved every minute of it!

  18. Dee
    February 26, 2017 / 8:45 am

    Thank you for this. Now i need to see this series for sure. Everything where Tom appears is a pleasure to watch. Eye candy but a great actor as well!

  19. Caroline Östman
    February 26, 2017 / 9:26 am

    Alright! That’s it! Now I have no reason left to not start watching Taboo. Thanks Ruth!

  20. denise Barnatt
    February 26, 2017 / 9:36 am

    I don’t even have kids and I still wanted to watch him read the cbeebies story! This was hilarious Ruth – thank you!

  21. Fin
    February 26, 2017 / 9:54 am

    It’s like you read my mind! Slightly obsessed also.
    On a related note, check out ‘Bane Cat’ on YouTube; I think you will like it

  22. February 26, 2017 / 10:04 am

    If my husband would just shell out the money for tv tax and get us cable so I could watch this show, I’d be so happy right now!
    But I’m making do with re-watches of Inception where Tom Hardy is just perfect fully clothed and dapper as Eames.

  23. Louisa
    February 26, 2017 / 10:15 am

    Thanks for the post- I was worried that I was the only one with a wrong but oh so right crush on James Delaney!

  24. Louise Stevens
    February 26, 2017 / 11:27 am

    Just about to finish Apple Tree Yard (after reading your tweet about it) and now, I’m about to download the entire series of Taboo – which I shall devour in one sitting, I’m sure. You do realise that I should be getting my planning (I’m a teacher) ready for the week ahead! Thank you, thank you, thank you for the distraction :-) x

  25. Sarah
    February 26, 2017 / 11:32 am

    My husband had to sell me on (like all the great tv shows). I’m not a TV person and am selective about what I’ll binge-watch. Let me just first say that when he told me it was produced by the BBC, I was like “And YOU want to watch it?” (We’re American/in states and most men here associate BBC with 1. Downtown Abbey, a ritualistic form of Sunday evening punishment; 2. Bizarre murder-drama shows with predictable plots involving immigrant janitors or 3. Sherlock Holmes in any and all eras.).

    Oh my good lord. Tom Hardy! He is the best bad guy I’ve seen since Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of New York. But also the flashes of humanity, the bizarre forays into his mystical hallucinations, the violence in his stare… get this man ALL the awards.

    I might also add that being 37 weeks pregnant (but feeling 37,546,678 weeks), my mind has been playing tricks on me. There are times where my hormones spike and I feel like a craven sex-maniac. My giant belly, however, makes everything (climbing stairs, reaching for the remote, drying my legs from the shower) feel like climbing Everest. I’ve resigned to live vicariously through all the sexy sex scenes in “my stories” (as hubby is wont to call)- the ones that involve lithe women with flat bellies and long legs and vigorous male lovers. You know, how I was as a newlywed before I got into this egg-shaped state. The only thing I truly miss pre-pregnancy was how sexy I felt AND looked. Now it feels like someone put my head on the wrong body. Please tell me this goes away post-baby. And for the record I’ve only gained 22 pounds, with nary a stretch mark, so I’m just whining here.

    But I majorly digress. My point is, the darkness of this show, despite all the filth and violence, is SEXY to me in a way I’d never think to find sexy (I’m thoroughly anti-50 Shades). This has become my new guilty pleasure!

  26. Eve
    February 26, 2017 / 11:34 am

    Everything in your write up is 100% spot on. I feel like I could have written it myself! I find I am often slightly (OK, very) depressed after watching each episode (and sometimes even during the week) due to the single fact that I will never be Mrs Hardy. Sigh. The sexiest man ever to walk the earth without a doubt. Separately from the fact I (and half of the world) am deeply in love with him, I have so enjoyed Taboo. Please let there be a second series!!

  27. Kelly
    February 26, 2017 / 11:53 am

    Currently chortling. Don’t think I’ve ever used that word before but it’s happening right now.

  28. Ko
    February 26, 2017 / 12:07 pm

    You HAVE to watch Tom Hardy reading the bedtime story on CBeebies- SO worth the licence fee….. incredibly talented and easy on the eye, could read me a bedtime story any day!

  29. Cath
    February 26, 2017 / 12:15 pm

    Very funny post, Ruth. It’s up there with your “eerie woman on hotel wall” post.

    I binge watched the whole of Taboo yesterday and I’m so pleased I did because (in addition to having enjoyed watching it) now I can fully appreciate this post.

    I would add “nibbling saltpetre” to the list.

  30. Amalia
    February 26, 2017 / 12:21 pm

    Oh! These postpartum hormones! I went through this phase three times in my life, hilarious! And as midwife, believe me I know. Big hugs from Greece.

  31. Virginia Villalobos
    February 26, 2017 / 12:36 pm

    Down, girl!!! LOL! TH first appeared on my radar in The Revenant, where he played another smelly and dirty character who murders people, although no nightshirts were involved at all. I wondered who that incredible actor was and was shocked to find out he was a Brit! I got hooked on The Crown after you talked about it and it finally came to the States (watching now) so I will have to look out for Taboo as well, unsavory as it sounds. Thank you, Ruth, for a hilarious and thoroughly enjoyable post!

  32. February 26, 2017 / 12:55 pm

    Hahah! You are so right. I always think to myself when is he going to take a bath after rolling around all day in horse crap and mud? But who cares right, because he looks so dame good doing it!

  33. Britt
    February 26, 2017 / 4:15 pm

    I enjoyed Taboo so fucking much. Tom Hardy is a beast and i will miss him at the next Saturdays…… :-((

  34. Sophie W
    February 26, 2017 / 7:32 pm

    I totally agree with all of your points. Despite his flesh biting/eating I still love him. I have no idea what I am going to do with my Saturday nights now. Perhaps I’ll have to watch it again. P.S have you seen him doing the Bed time story on CBeebies!! As Tom Hardy of course, not Delaney!! My other half has watched all of taboo with me and agrees he is an excellent actor, but when we watched the bed time story with our one year old, he said WHO IS THIS TOM DALEY anyway? He clearly didn’t pay as much attention to the main character as I had been. That’s quite a mix up.

  35. Vicky
    February 26, 2017 / 7:44 pm

    A couple of weeks ago I got so obsessed with him I just had to watch a load of YouTube videos and get it out of my system. He’s so attractive it’s painful. I don’t understand how he is so attractive…that’s part of the obsession for me I think, trying to work out why he is SO attractive. Everything he is in, he’s just a different kind of attractive. Have you seen the film Warrior? It’s a complete joke, he’s like this super caring guy who’s fighting to win money to send to his dead best friend’s wife who he isn’t even trying to sleep with! It’s too much.

  36. Carra_bella10
    February 26, 2017 / 7:59 pm

    You missed grunting. Never known as grunt to convey so much. Such a great show. He’s constantly filthy, wears the same clothes everyday and obviously has psychopathic tendencies but you so would, wouldn’t you?!

  37. Caroline
    February 26, 2017 / 8:15 pm

    I’m literally obsessed with him in this – Saturday nights won’t be the same !! He is just smoking hot in this ! I need a cold shower after an episode ha ha

  38. February 26, 2017 / 8:56 pm

    Awesome article! Agree 100%. He’s not only one of my favorite actors, but everything you said above.

  39. February 26, 2017 / 9:57 pm

    Loved reading this…addicted to Taboo. ..adore Tom Hardy despite the fact he is a brooding sociopath. In it. He’s seriously fanned my forty something hormonal fire. Hope there’s another series. In the meantime I look forwrd to watching him tell more bedtime stories on CBEEBIES. Yay

  40. Tricia
    February 26, 2017 / 10:00 pm

    Great post… loved Taboo, finale left me physically and emotionally drained. if you haven’t seen him in ‘Locke’ check that out next, same writer on Locke, Taboo and Peaky Blinders.

  41. Novaimu
    February 27, 2017 / 3:06 am

    Hell yea, T. H.

  42. Sumera
    February 27, 2017 / 8:01 am

    Ruth. You are a f***king genius. I haven’t laughed this much in a long time. You’re like that slightly-crazy, sorta-obsessed friend who we secretly love for telling it exactly as it is.

    Long time reader and still a massive fan – keep doing you babe!

  43. Uncle Squiz
    February 27, 2017 / 9:47 am

    Isn’t it difficult to fancy an actor who looks so utterly different in every role he plays ? there’s no doubt the chap is an outstanding actor but i’ve watched stuff he’s been in and not realised it’s him until he deploys the acting chops. Just saying.

  44. evie
    February 27, 2017 / 1:35 pm

    and bad teeth!

  45. February 27, 2017 / 2:09 pm

    BEST. SHOW. EVER…!!!!! weird and addictive, hard to explain! love Tom Hardy and I really hope they will continue this show even though its so expensive and makes him loose $$

    Anete,
    http://www.lapoudreblog.com

  46. February 27, 2017 / 3:25 pm

    I totally agree with you about the mumbling. It’s like every role though, I swear he never has clear diction all the time. He’s able to “act” the point across almost every time so it’s forgivable. He’s got that quality of being distinctive while still disappearing in the role which makes him especially good!

  47. Erica
    February 28, 2017 / 4:56 am

    This post is PERFECT!!! I’ve adored Tom Hardy since I met him as Handsome Bob in RocknRolla (not really met, but you know).
    All those things are true about him in Taboo and he’s still the sexiest thing ever. Please don’t forget how he treats the actress like absolute street booty! And he gives everyone the stank eye. I hope the rumors of a 2nd season are correct.

  48. February 28, 2017 / 7:53 am

    I hadn’t even heard of Taboo, but it shot straight up to my to-watch list after seeing the educational pictures you put up. And yes, Mr. AMRreally sounds like a winner. No matter how sexy, a guy running around killing people is somehow hard to live with.

  49. Vanna
    March 1, 2017 / 1:26 pm

    I love keeping photos of hot men in my planner and that naked, crouching, primal (shut up Vanna!) – erm yeah, we have our Mr November right there!

    Which leads me neatly to asking, dud you decide to get the LV planner kit again this year, and what was it like if you did? I may’ve missed the window of relevance there enirely in which case soz, I am thinking of getting the LV monogram in (whichever size is like a Filofax Personal) but undecided. If I do I’ll probably want the branded inserts, hence the interest. But yes I am 2 months late and still many dollars short in the old piggybank for this! :)

    • March 1, 2017 / 5:36 pm

      I didn’t, mostly because last year I only wrote in it about twice!! I decided to buy some blank Filofax pages instead and I’ve turned it into a notebook! xx

  50. Caroline
    March 1, 2017 / 10:53 pm

    Love this! To quote a friend, he gives me the raging fanny gallops.

    • March 2, 2017 / 10:45 pm

      Oh my god HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  51. houda jawad
    March 2, 2017 / 5:39 am

    You got this down to the T. OMG you share my Tom Hardy love! This show is everything!

  52. Romina
    March 3, 2017 / 12:31 pm

    My Husby would make me add the same thing! :-DDD
    I need to start watching Taboo this evening!

  53. Eliza
    March 4, 2017 / 7:47 pm

    My adoration of Tom Hardy began recently and quietly. (I like to keep it sophisticated, my friends.) But as soon as I finished reading this post, I ran to my TV praying Taboo was playing (hadn’t even heard of it) here in the US, and OH JOY when I saw it was. And, girl, you ain’t kidding. TH is almost breath taking (nope, not hyperbole here, people) in this role. And not to mention the crafting of this show in general. I watched the final 3 eps last night, and cheered (for James et al) and sneered (at the baddies) and cried (you know which scene). Ah TH what have you DONE to us. We are addicted. sigh. Thank you for the rec, Ruth!!!

  54. Bettie
    March 12, 2017 / 6:19 am

    Ruth I’ve just discovered your blog. Tom Hardy, makeup and book reviews all on one blog? A blog after my own heart :)

  55. Lisa P
    March 12, 2017 / 11:42 pm

    Well since so highly recommended I had to check it out. Oh yes I understand…. So far the line that has killed me the most tho is ‘ and is your semen poisoned now?” HAHAHAHA I’m already thru 5 episodes and panicking as they’re running out.

    • March 14, 2017 / 6:05 am

      WHERE IS THAT BIT???? Still would, even with poison semen.

  56. SusanW
    March 30, 2017 / 4:02 pm

    I don’t remember that ‘poisoned semen’ bit. Dang, now I HAVE to watch the whole thing AGAIN! Woo hoo!

  57. Mansi
    April 7, 2017 / 6:50 am

    Can’t believe I haven’t heard of this show before, looks intriguing. Weekend binge sorted!

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