Bliss Spa: Fat Girl Slim Review

Bliss Sloane Av London

A few weeks ago, I went to the Bliss Spa on Sloane Avenue – or in the “SoKen” area, as the website states. (SOKEN? Am I the only one who doesn’t believe that there is such an area? Surely it’s Chelsea!) I was to have the Fat Girl Slim treatment to pummel away my wobbly bits. And before you all roll your eyes and huff and puff about me saying the ‘W’ word, let me just point out the fact that I am at the beginning of my fourth decade (that’s thirties for those of you counting fingers) and that nearly all women from this age up  (unless blessed with some odd skinny gene and/or teetotal and/or never hungry) will have some wobbly bits.

The Bliss Spa is a very welcoming space – all cool blues and frosty whites, it’s like stepping into the Disney version of heaven. (If you’re slightly mad, as I am, you can almost imagine a man in white robes with a long beard stepping out to greet you. Now that would be a weird massage. “Oh God, this is amazing!) After checking-in at reception,  I was taken downstairs to the changing area (very nice – you get a modern locker and a fluffy robe and flipflops) to prepare for my treatment. In the changing room, there was a rather attractive woman prancing around stark naked, slapping various oils and lotions onto herself from the complimentary beauty bar. I’m pretty sure that she wasn’t on the staff,  but she did seem very at home. Which is obviously a good sign. I have mixed feelings about prancing naked ladies though- either they are showing off, or they have gone beyond the point of caring. Either way, when they bend over to cream their feet right next to my face with no clothes on, I care.

Moving swiftly on; my therapist Mila took me into the treatment room which was smallish, very clean and of a comfortable temperature. Rather like Switzerland.  My first problem of the session came with the appearance of the dreaded paper pants. Oh, paper pants. How we love you, with your metres of elastic -you are designed to accommodate  a Sumo if needs be, yet if the wearer is the owner of a small skeleton (as in ‘inside their body’, not one that they carry about with them to scare people) you flip-flap about and cover nothing. Anyway – never mind the fit; I lost my pants before I had even put them on! They pinged out of my hands and went underneath the treatment bed, which meant that (naked) I had to get down on my hands and knees and crawl under the bed to retrieve them. Once on, I hauled myself quickly onto the bed for fear that Mila would see me in all of my panic and disarray.

The bed, ladies and (hopefully no!) gentlemen, was a heated water bed, and it was amazing. It added a whole new dimension to the treatment because I was utterly relaxed – and warm! – from the very first minute. It wasn’t a ridiculously wobbly water bed, but there was definitely movement and it was completely soothing. The treatment lasted for an hour and a quarter, and for that time the action just did not stop! First of all, there was a rather rigorous body brushing session which was amazing – no namby-pambying about with light strokes and the such, this was full-on circulation boosting time! Mila’s brushing pressure made me realise that I had been going far too easy on myself at home – you really need to get stuck in and rouse those troops, so to speak. I was worried that my skin would be red or scratched, but the next day it was just completely smooth, no marks or dry patches. (After the treatment you get to keep your brush to use at home, which is a nice touch.) My only warning for home brushers is not to brush on the sensitive chest area, the skin is too thin and delicate.

After the brushing, I had a very firm massage with detoxifying grapefruit oil.  I then had a seaweed mask that dried into a thick rubber sheet.  Mila had to cut the mask off  and it peeled away in massive pieces, which was just about the most voyeuristic fun I’ve ever had outside of Amsterdam. (JOKE!)  I was pretty sweaty inside the mask/rubber suit, which may be too much information for you, but I feel that it’s important to share this fact. It means that things were coming out of me – toxins and so on, I mean.

After I was rid of sweat and rubber, my entire body was covered in Fat Girl Slim slimming cream (which I use at home and love) and my tummy and side-tummies were massaged with the Love-Handler, which is an excellent for toning up the skin and getting rid of bloating. Both creams basically contain loads and loads of caffeine so you might feel a little odd afterwards if you, like me, aren’t a coffee and tea drinker!

So, results: I felt no different that evening before bed, but two or three days afterwards my skin looked completely smooth and definitely more toned. I think that having really good circulation and drainage boosting treatments does help to ‘kick-start’ your body – and also makes you feel a bit more motivated to treat your body well. Even if the results are temporary (which of course they will be!) just seeing a better skin texture and a more svelte, less water-logged silhouette can really encourage you to make changes to your health and beauty regime.

I think that this was certainly the most relaxing ‘dynamic’ treatment that I’ve had – usually I would be wincing a little at the brushing and the firm massage techniques, but Mila almost seemed to sense when she needed to move on, and not once did I feel uncomfortable. I think that the heated waterbed was also an incredibly nice touch!

The Fat Girl Slim treatment lasts for 75 minutes, and costs £125. Priced for SoKen, obviously, but SoWhat, it was SoWorthit. Bliss Website

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