There must be an author, somewhere, writing a book about the things they've extracted from other people's holes. Imagine reading such audiobook out loud?
Some years ago, when I was in my 50s, my husband took me to the A&E after an accident during go-karting where I thought I broke a rib. I was covered in bad bruises on my side and the doctor was rather suspicious of the explanation and took me to a small room ("you are in a safe space here, did your husband do that to you?"). A month later I was back with a broken nose after a collision while sledging down a very steep hill. Same doctor....I feared he would call the police on my poor husband. Took a lot of convincing that all those bruises were just the results of my stupidity.
On my first ward as a student nurse, somewhere in the North, many decades ago. The Staff Nurse in charge sent all the other students home early. He asked me to stay to admit a patient coming to the ward from A&E.
Patient (male) duly arrived with very heavily pregnant wife. I got him into the allocated side room bed, introduced myself & set about completing the Nursing Kardex.
I noticed he was wriggling a bit & came from a town good 20 miles away so wasn’t at his nearest hospital. I also noted some shuffling on the other side of the door.
Then I got to the “Reason for Admission” section. All went still outside. The wife was looking out of the window.
In I went “What did the A&E Dr say was the problem?”
Patient “I have a bloody big shampoo bottle stuck up my arse!”
Me “Ok, have you had any pain relief?”
Scuffling & infantile male giggling from the other side of the door.
Patient “No I’m fine”
Wife continues staring out of the window, now beetroot red.
Me “Ok, please don’t have anything to eat & drink for now”
More scuffles outside & grinning Staff Nurse pops his head round the door telling me to go home.
When I got out of the room that Staff Nurse & a Junior Dr made themselves scarce!
Next day, the patient wasn’t there. The Staff Nurse was day off. When I asked what happened a large bottle of M&S Lemon & Lime shampoo complete with contents had been retrieved from said gentleman’s rectum.
Apparently I had disappointed the Staff Nurse & Dr by not reacting. Strangely I was never sent for a long stand or other classic teases my colleagues were on the end of
I used to work in the Radiotherapy unit of an Oncology centre years ago, and can attest to the incidents described by the people you have known who worked in A & E. Henry the hoover, sundry vegetables and on one occasion a sink plunger, being removed from the nether regions of peoples anatomy. These ditties used to do the rounds of our waiting area often, usually told by the ambulance crews bringing in patients for treatment, and the peaks of laughter certainly lightened the mood.....I never looked at cucumbers, courgettes, onions and lemons in quite the same light again 😏.
Once I'd recovered from falling out of the attic, smashing my foot up (when startled by a noise in the house below, I had completely forgotten to use the ladder and dropped 12ft onto one foot) but shortly after this flook accident ... .
- I was idly looking at a painting at the top of the stairs when the attic hatch swung open and a huge old video player unbalanced slid out fast and hit me on the head, concussing me.
Right, Here goes (!) My Dad (a now retired Urologist) once had a patient, a teenage boy, who came to see him - accompanied by his Mum - because he had inserted a glass thermometer 🌡️ into his penis, 😳and it had been there for Three Weeks !! My Dad carefully removed it - and certainly Saved the boy’s future sex life.
There must be an author, somewhere, writing a book about the things they've extracted from other people's holes. Imagine reading such audiobook out loud?
If it’s there, I need it.
Some years ago, when I was in my 50s, my husband took me to the A&E after an accident during go-karting where I thought I broke a rib. I was covered in bad bruises on my side and the doctor was rather suspicious of the explanation and took me to a small room ("you are in a safe space here, did your husband do that to you?"). A month later I was back with a broken nose after a collision while sledging down a very steep hill. Same doctor....I feared he would call the police on my poor husband. Took a lot of convincing that all those bruises were just the results of my stupidity.
Laura. You seem to have a need for retro speed! Go-karting, sledging… I’m here for it.
On my first ward as a student nurse, somewhere in the North, many decades ago. The Staff Nurse in charge sent all the other students home early. He asked me to stay to admit a patient coming to the ward from A&E.
Patient (male) duly arrived with very heavily pregnant wife. I got him into the allocated side room bed, introduced myself & set about completing the Nursing Kardex.
I noticed he was wriggling a bit & came from a town good 20 miles away so wasn’t at his nearest hospital. I also noted some shuffling on the other side of the door.
Then I got to the “Reason for Admission” section. All went still outside. The wife was looking out of the window.
In I went “What did the A&E Dr say was the problem?”
Patient “I have a bloody big shampoo bottle stuck up my arse!”
Me “Ok, have you had any pain relief?”
Scuffling & infantile male giggling from the other side of the door.
Patient “No I’m fine”
Wife continues staring out of the window, now beetroot red.
Me “Ok, please don’t have anything to eat & drink for now”
More scuffles outside & grinning Staff Nurse pops his head round the door telling me to go home.
When I got out of the room that Staff Nurse & a Junior Dr made themselves scarce!
Next day, the patient wasn’t there. The Staff Nurse was day off. When I asked what happened a large bottle of M&S Lemon & Lime shampoo complete with contents had been retrieved from said gentleman’s rectum.
Apparently I had disappointed the Staff Nurse & Dr by not reacting. Strangely I was never sent for a long stand or other classic teases my colleagues were on the end of
Lemon and lime. Brilliant. HOW did you not react?!
I learnt to keep my face straight whatever as teenager. Let’s just say I did not have a great family life
I used to work in the Radiotherapy unit of an Oncology centre years ago, and can attest to the incidents described by the people you have known who worked in A & E. Henry the hoover, sundry vegetables and on one occasion a sink plunger, being removed from the nether regions of peoples anatomy. These ditties used to do the rounds of our waiting area often, usually told by the ambulance crews bringing in patients for treatment, and the peaks of laughter certainly lightened the mood.....I never looked at cucumbers, courgettes, onions and lemons in quite the same light again 😏.
Plungers!
Yep. I never found out which end of said plunger was extricated from said nether region. Either way it must have been acutely eye watering 😂😂.
Once I'd recovered from falling out of the attic, smashing my foot up (when startled by a noise in the house below, I had completely forgotten to use the ladder and dropped 12ft onto one foot) but shortly after this flook accident ... .
- I was idly looking at a painting at the top of the stairs when the attic hatch swung open and a huge old video player unbalanced slid out fast and hit me on the head, concussing me.
It is an unbelievable chain of events! Hahahahaha!
I'm sorry to report that when I read this, I couldn't help but burst out laughing!
it was hilarious
Right, Here goes (!) My Dad (a now retired Urologist) once had a patient, a teenage boy, who came to see him - accompanied by his Mum - because he had inserted a glass thermometer 🌡️ into his penis, 😳and it had been there for Three Weeks !! My Dad carefully removed it - and certainly Saved the boy’s future sex life.
Oh my god! WHY?! My toes have curled under!
Liking this comment doesn't really seem like the appropriate response!
‘Brace positions please’ indeed!
Made me laugh, Ruth, thank you.