Discuss Nasal Hair? He's Never Even Seen Me On The Toilet

I have just made a video about a nose hair trimmer. Which is a brand new low, even for me. If anyone, anywhere, was still harbouring the idea that anything about me is even remotely sexually alluring then feel free to let go of that particular dream. All I can say is that it’s a good job my husband has deleted all social media from his life because this nose hair video would probably be the mental equivalent of seeing me on the toilet.

YES I AM BEING SERIOUS, HE HAS NEVER SEEN ME ON THE TOILET.

Or very rarely. I just asked him about it - a very subtle piece of market research - and he stated that he couldn’t remember having ever seen me on a toilet. (And then he said are you doing market research for a post?)

This is actually me pretending to be on the toilet, and Rich took the photograph, so I suppose that in a way he HAS seen me on the toilet.

We have been together for twenty two years and so far I have somehow managed to sidestep any situation where he sees me performing biological refuse disposal from the lower end. I mean maybe the odd wee he could have witnessed, because there have been a lot of times when I’ve been quite pissed in those twenty-two (or more) years, and I also seem to remember a situation with a festival toilet in 2006 but in general, we have not tended to be open-door toilet-goers. I have never been comfortable with the idea of casually sitting on the loo chatting to him about the right time to plant Portuguese Laurel whilst simultaneously expelling my demons.

It’s not that either of us are particularly prudish or secretive or tight-laced, it’s just that wees and poos don’t do it for me in terms of retaining an air of mystery. Wees and poos are not my bag. And I don’t think they’re his, much, either. Although I’ll have to check that, because I could have been operating under the illusion that he doesn’t want to observe me on the toilet when all of this time that’s exactly what he’s been hankering after! Just too embarrassed to spell it out!

Anyway, he’s not on social media anymore (Go Rich!) and so I can tell you all about piles and knuckle warts and the time I accidentally Veet-ed my bush too enthusiastically and all sorts of things that previously I didn’t particularly want to let him in on.

Starting with the nose hair trimmer. Look: I know it’s not the most glamorous of gadgets, but as the years pass it becomes more of a necessity, doesn’t it? Maybe not for some: maybe it’s only an issue for those of us who are stared at in a particularly close-up and analytical way. News readers. Politicians.

But I can think of a few occupations off the top of my head - optician, dentist, cannibal - where your face might be viewed in really close quarters by another person, and so if this post helps even a small fraction of my readership then I’ll be glad to have been of assistance.

This nose hair trimmer I’ve made a video about is called the Numifun, by the way. Is there not something ever so slightly “sex toy” about that name? It unnerves me. They’re not devices you’d want to get mixed up, are they? A sex toy and a nasal trimmer? At best you’d end up looking as though you had mange, at worst… well.

Nose hair trimmers (at least the ones I’ve experienced) work very safely and easily by having little rotating cutters that are locked safely inside a smooth metal barrel. I don’t want to die on this particular health and safety hill, so I’m never going to say that it would be impossible to hurt yourself with a nose hair trimmer - some people have run over their own heads with their cars and others have been fatally injured by their pyjamas - but I’d say it would be pretty difficult to cut yourself.

The idea is that you insert the metal barrel into the nasal opening (honestly, the depths I’ve fallen to here) and then slide it around the nose hole so that it catches on all of the little hairs and chops them short. This doesn’t shave, it doesn’t pluck (good lord, have you ever tried plucking a nose hair? Such intense pain) it just strims. It’s the perfect gadget for those who like to play things safe and neaten things up without the risk of injury or pain. I know some like to put wax up there and then pull on the wax plug so that it feels as though you are removing your very brain from your skull but this does not appeal to me at all. Not only is there zero dignity, it really does seem a little aggressive for what is quite an essential part of your face.

Also, and I have no actual medical training so I’m just hazarding a guess here, I can imagine that it is beneficial to have at least a small amount of hair inside your nose. In fact, as much hair as possible. Because doesn’t it catch stuff, like dust, and flies? I’d say the best thing to do would be to leave as much hair in there as possible, so that it continues doing its bug-capturing thing, but then just get the hairs at the entrance and cut them down to size.

I bought my Numifun here (ad-affiliate link) and chose it mainly because it was pink. So shallow. Now that I’ve had a proper test of it I can tell you that the pinkness isn’t its only virtue: the gadget is well-built, has good grips (essential when you’re performing such a perilous task) and is rechargeable via a USB cable.

Next week, just because I know that Rich isn’t watching: the many accidental pubic hair disasters of a noughties model. Make sure you’re subscribed.

Oh! Do you want to see the video? Here it is, in case you fancy seeing me in real life. Sidenote: I used my DJI Osmo camera to film it and I hate what this camera does to the colours in a video. I think I may have to sell it. I see everyone using this camera successfully, I don’t know why it plays the fool with me. It makes everything look so yellow! (Yes I’ve Googled it and changed settings and also tried to grade the film in post-production. Nothing makes it better.)

*not guaranteed but it’s possible