Why Are Jeans So Ugly Now?

Is it because I'm set in my ways?

I’m sorry, but what in the absolute Felicity Fiddlesticks is going on with jeans these days? Have I missed some important development where all denim is now designed by a medieval stonemason? Did I overlook the global memo stating that women’s jean styles will henceforth all be inspired by the clothing worn by artisan bakers in the early 1700s?

I have three words for you: WIDE CROPPED CULOTTES. Who are these for? Someone living in a place with no mirrors? I mean you no offence if you own this particular denim style, perhaps you manage to pull it off nicely, but you have to admit that the wide cropped culotte plays absolute havoc with proportions! I am all for repellant clothing* when a situation calls for it, but I have limits and these reach them.

(*Repellent clothing ref: the time I wore thirteen layers of clothing and a cagoule to bed to sexually discourage my boyfriend, now-husband. It’s just one of the many soul-destroying stories in my book, How Not to be a Supermodel. You can buy it here or download the audiobook here. It’s also on Spotify!)

I have not been able to find a pair of jeans I’ve truly loved, unconditionally, since the year that skinny ones were unceremoniously banned.

(OK so they weren’t banned in a legal sense, but the fashion world certainly cut them off cold. I have never seen such an abrupt and decisive striking off from the style register. After Skinny Jeans’ long and loyal service to mankind, suddenly she was persona non grata. Disrespectful, if you ask me, but you can’t expect anything better from a world that deems it acceptable to wear plastic hospital shoes and second-skin-thin lycra leggings in public spaces.)

In some ways I’m glad that skinny jeans were fashion-banned, because they were an absolute gynaecological hazard and I’m almost certain that they’re the reason I don’t have full range of sensation down below, but what an earth are we supposed wear with our heeled ankle boots now? Or are heeled ankle boots fashion-banned too? I bet they are! Only pleather clogs are in fashion now. Only hemp sandals, inspired by the monks of the Order of St Clare, are currently considered stylish. Preferably with oversized soles that look as though they’ve been moulded from reconstituted Transit van tyre.

I’ll tell you the jeans style that really flummoxes me, though: