Pregnancy Week 19

You may wonder why I’m starting to write about my pregnancy nineteen weeks in. There are a few reasons, but I didn’t really want to go into them in the very first post as it’s all a bit deep and possibly depressing. I wanted to start on a high note with the fact that here I am – me! – with a baby growing away inside. Something I honestly thought would never happen, possibly because years of disappointment do that to a person and also possibly because I have an overactive imagination and tend to think of life in terms of Hollywood endings and/or epic personal tragedies and disasters.

I’ll fill you in on all of the history very soon, because it’s actually the bits that have gone before this pregnancy that made me want to write this blog in the first place. It’s the ups and downs and the tears and the occasional moments of despair that made me want to share my feelings and experiences. Just in case there are a few people out there who are going through the same thing. But do you see what I mean, now? Darkness and despair! It’s so easy to slip onto that road and mull over past events and I don’t want this blog – or indeed this pregnancy – to be marred by things that have been and gone and that I have no control over. I will record them in a way that I hope will be helpful to other people, but I’ll try to keep them separate to the happy thoughts and events of the present.

And so, back to week 19. The first week that has really spurred me into action to get things written down for posterity and that is because of two things:

1) The checkout lady at ASDA asked me when I was due and

2) A man on the tube gave up his seat for me.

Both times I almost jumped for joy! I have never been so excited. It took a few seconds to register, but then I realised that I was visibly pregnant. It was real – it was actually happening. Again, not to be all ridiculously sentimental about things, but it’s hard to believe that something is happening when you have spent so long thinking negatively about it and not believing it could happen. You have to check yourself every other minute of the day to make sure it’s real – there are a few horrible seconds each morning upon waking that you think that maybe it was all just a cruel dream and you imagined the whole thing. And so to have other people – strangers – verify that you have a baby on board? Well. I have to admit that I got a little overexcited, especially when the man on the tube said,

“I have got that right, haven’t I? Please tell me I haven’t just embarrassed myself? You are pregnant?”

And I virtually bellowed out my “yes”.

“Yes! I am pregnant!”

The people in the tube carriage must have thought I was unhinged.

Nothing to report, this week, in terms of symptoms and twinges. Fear not, those who are reading and want to know all about the goings on in the first trimester (and there are lots of them): I have recorded each and every one and will be posting them soon. Again, I am sorry to start the blog at week 19, but for my own emotional wellbeing it couldn’t be helped. I just haven’t felt confident enough until now – the paranoia that something might go wrong was too overwhelming and though I start this blog anonymously, it all felt just too private and raw to put out there into the world.

But I think – hope – that I feel robust enough to get it all down on paper. And perhaps it will all stay anonymous, or maybe I’ll put my face on here and pictures of my bump. It could possibly turn into a fully-fledged technicolor website with fashion features (Style the Bump!) and beauty and recipes for Coco Pops Cakes, but I have my hands very full with my first, incredibly busy, website and so we shall just have to see how things go. I’m leaving things loose and relaxed, which I have become quite good at since I found out I was pregnant. Though I often take the sentiment a little too far and end up watching Netflix marathons lying on the sofa…

PS: apparently all bumps are different and people show at completely different times in pregnancy so please don’t freak out if you don’t have a bump yet and you’re reading this at nineteen weeks. One of my biggest rules on this blog is that I don’t want anything to freak people out. Pregnant ladies should not have to feel freaked out left right and centre because of what they read on the internet, it’s just bad and unnecessary. I feel another post coming on…

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