1) Goddamn you NowTV and your continuing encouragement of television-watching marathons: not only have you started showing the American series Girls, which I have always been keen to get started on, but you keep sending me emails that – if I didn’t know better – could be written by Satan’s very own hand. Listen to this for evil temptation, extract taken from their latest quasi-Satanic “bulletin” mail-out:
“Resisting sugary treats, spending hours in the gym…it all sounds like hard work to us. So why not kick-start the New Year by getting stuck into a gripping new season or Box Set?”
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? “Tired of being healthy and having a long life in front of you? Why not spark up a fag and down a litre bottle of meths as you get stuck into forty-eight episodes of Elementary*?” My eyes are literally square and it has reached the point where I feel a bit sick when I hear the Elementary theme tune. Also, I hear Lucy Liu’s voice in my sleep. (*Elementary, as if you didn’t know, my dear Watson, is the US Sherlock Holmes series starring Jonny Lee Miller. See here.)
2) Drastic Dog Shaving. Oh dear. There’s no let up for poor Dexter, who spent so long lying down when he was poorly and then having his harness permanently on (to keep his “cone of shame” from coming loose) that he was a huge matted mess down one side. We couldn’t very well have only one side of him shaved so it all had to come off at the groomers, and now he looks half the size and like some kind of strange, new-born alien sheep. Also, and I know that this is “TMI”, but the shaving has made his you-know-what look disproportionately large (Dexter knows all the tricks!) and it dongs around all over the place making me feel nauseous. Grow, dog-hair, grow!
3) Mr Bear: his usual Lord of Plushness self. Check out his look of utter disdain – you wouldn’t catch him flaunting his wotsit about, oh no!